no shaeking, verry breakable

Yah, do you ever feel like that? The - don't shake me I'm breakable kind?

Yup, I was quite a grouch when I woke up this morning but besides it being time to start my 10 days of prozac before my menstrual cycle, I took quite a bit of drugs yesterday for the migraine. Think they must have had to wear off and the prozac had to kick in because I didn't feel good until around noon. Don't get me wrong, I was functional, just crabby. Trust me, it's been worse though, just an observation.

So the whole day, start to finish, has been great. Even made a nice dinner for the family and went shopping tonight for secret elf presents for some people we know. We are secretly taking them presents for the 12 days of christmas and since tomorrow is the first day, meyers d and i went shopping for all the loot we're going to sneak them. gosh it was fun. someone did it to us this year so we know how much this family of 10 is going to enjoy it...

earlier today I was wrapping presents while the kids were in school and noticed this writing on the two presents max-ay is giving tse. funny thing is, max-ay is the one whose been shaking his presents and trying to peek while they're being wrapped - stinker!

kids, what a goof ball!

You Wanna Piece of Me???

Wow, what a great couple of days. On my Wednesday appointment my doctor and I decided to decrease the lamictal to half of the dose I was taking and see if the headache frequency would stabilize to it's old pattern in order that I could possibly stay on it. It really has been the best medicine I've ever taken to help with my moods. Changing medicines is always hard because you never know what kind of side effects you are going to experience. I may have to drop it all together, and even if I don't, I may still have to add something else. But for now, we have a plan.

Also, now that my menstrual cycles are going back to their old pattern I have to deal with the extreme mood changes I experience during that time. In the past, I had taken an extremely low dose of Prozac and that helped immensely. So, we are going to try that again. You take it the ten days leading up to your cycle.

Wednesday I had no headache at all and was even able to go out to dinner in Portland w/ the hubs and to a "Five for Fighting" concert @ the Aladdin Theatre. The whole thing was so awesome. We ate dinner @ Montego Bay which serves Jamaican food. Never had that before, so that was pretty exotic. I had lamb and the hubs had jerk chicken. (fortunately it didn't turn him into a jerk!)

The Aladdin Theatre is fabulous. I'm guessing it was built in the 1920's and is in the art deco style. We have a theatre like that in the town where I live that's a little bigger than the Aladdin. I loved the small cozy feel that this one had though. We got there a little after the warm up band had started. If we had went any later we wouldn't have been able to find a seat. As it was, we sat in the very back of the balcony, but still could still see just fine. I took my earplugs but didn't need to wear them.

It was so great to get out for a "date" and be able to fully enjoy myself. I actually felt like a real human!

This morning I woke up with a slight headache, but put an ice pack on my head and tried to go back to sleep for an hour. It helped a little bit. When I got up I could still feel the pressure so I put peppermint oil on my right temple where I could feel it. Within about two hours, and a little bit into my morning walk in the crisp Fall air, I went back to feeling 100%. Hallelujah!

I was very tired this afternoon. Either from going to bed @ midnight or from decreasing the Lamictal. I am wondering if I feel tired from the Propanolol (beta blocker) as it lowers blood pressure. But I would much rather deal with this side effect than be in pain. Also, that's another one of the many reasons that it's important for me to stay on Lamictal or something like it because it will help balance out even the slightest of depressive symptoms.

It may seem crazy that I would write about all this. But my philosophy is that sometimes life sucks. And that is putting it mildly. It doesn't always make since why some people would go through such difficult and challenging struggles. All I know is that I have been schooled in a class I would never register for, but here I am. It makes sense, therefore, that I make it worthwhile. To try to make something good out of something bad. It's my hope that somebody whose struggling with migraines, headaches, chronic pain, mental health issues or just life in general, will read this and know that they are not alone. And perhaps, maybe something that they read (could it be you?) could be helpful to them on this crazy path called life.

2 great day, wahoo!

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me. I had a fabulous day on Halloween and was able to go to tse and max-ay's chaotic classrooms for their parties, get in a short walk and make all the rounds for the kids' trick-or-treating.

I am so thankful and greatful that I got to do so. I know the kids feel ripped off a lot of the time....and they are.

It broke my heart when Shelley told me what max-ay said to her in her car the other day:

max-ay: where are you guys going trick-or-treating at? (their dad was sick and i told them if i couldn't take them out that Shelley would.)

shelley: we're going to the street of screams at the mall. that's where we always go. it's really fun.

max-ay: can i go trick-or-treating with you guys? my mom doesn't have any energy. she never has any energy. she doesn't get to do stuff with us.

shelley: well max-ay, your mom gets a lot of migraines doesn't she. she always wants to do things with you. let's hope she can go, but if she can't then i will take you with me, ok?

*I think what max-ay meant by energy is that when I am hurting my thinking shuts down and in order to take care of myself, I lay around, I mean, who wouldn't. Usually it's 3x a week that I get one, but the last month has been brutal, almost daily. And my kids know that.

About a week and a half ago on a Sunday when I was feeling good, the boys had P and C over as well as Super Star's little brothers. Then, when Super Star's parents came by, we invited them to stay for dinner because I had cooked up a prime rib, so we had plenty of food.

*tse made a comment to his dad @ bed time: I didn't know mom was feeling so good today.

(I don't remember the last time we had people over for dinner. The hubs really misses that and it's one of the things that he feels ripped off about. We have the gift of hospitality and we love to have people over. But seriously, no friends have come to dinner for at least 6 months, at least..)

Anyway, off of my pity party. Yesterday was fabulous, today was fabulous. Besides getting the Halloween pics all edited I even got a little housework done. wahoo!

Also, tonight I increased my lamictal (mood stabilizer and anti-migraine med) and Monday I started the MigraLief 2x a day. Like I said a few days ago, MigraLief is a combination of magnesium, B2, and feverfew. My "lady cycle" is almost over and I've been really lucky not to have migraines all the way through it. Just 5 days instead of the 7 i sometimes have. Also, I think the beta-blocker propanolol is really kicking in as today I've felt really tired, a little light headed and even took a nap which I never do unless I'm sick.

But like the hubs said when I talked to him @ work today. As long as there's no pain, who cares....we'll deal with the rest.

It's my time now. It's time for these to get under control. I don't know what life lesson I was supposed to learn out of all this, but I do know I have a bucketload of compassion, and extreme understanding of chronic pain, knowledge and empathy about mental illness, a tiny mustard seed of faith (which evidentally is all that's needed to move a mountain...) and finally, the ability to not suffer in silence anymore but ask for help.

It's my time, and I want this to end A.S.A.P. No more, I think I've had enough.

Perfectly Perfect Day

Sunday, Sunday.

I had really wanted to go to church but I woke up and had started my period. For me, this means about a week of really drug resistant horrible headaches. And gauging from Thrs. , Fri., and even Sat., this was exactly what I was dealing with. Really no surprise as I had went off the Levlen (continuous birth control pill for menstrual migraines) on Thursday night.
I have been really looking forward to helping in the kids' school on Tues. for Halloween, and taking them trick-or-treating. So, do I go to church which is really loud w/ lots of people? ...or do I stay home and take it easy?

I decided not to push things and take care of myself.

I went for a walk but shortened it so as not to overdo it. I got about 6 essentials at the grocery store - in & out! I went to Shelley's Mom's for a Mary Kay pedicure (figured that would be low key and relaxing), then came home.

My parents came over in the evening to carve pumpkins which was a blast. We haven't had them over in quite a while. Actually, we never have anyone over anymore. One more loss to the pain....

It is amazing to me to have a perfectly perfect head the whole day, because this is, essentially, my hell week. Hallelujah!

The Diagnosis....

Today I went to my neurology PA to get my diagnosis. I woke up with a headache and had taken something for it. On the way to the appointment the headache subsided a bit. We also stopped @ Starbucks on the way for what would be my last breve latte.

I was very nervous before he came in, hoping that I had given him all the correct information @ our last appt. He began by explaining the neurological processes of a migraine. My aftercare notes state that according to "research done in 1995... a group of cells at the base of the brain, present in all humans, may cause migraines in some people as a result of an increased or unstable firing pattern. This in turn may promote inflammation of blood vessels in the covering of the brain and alterations in blood vessel caliber."

Basically, what he was saying is that migraineurs have "irritable brains" in that the irritability is the inflammation and the tendency towards inflammation that occurs.

Both my husband and I found this information extremely helpful. In subsequent days, I would remind myself of this during some of the most excruciating migraines I have ever had. Instead of thinking that I was just an unlucky person, randomly smited with the misery of migraine, I reminded myself of the information I had learned, and realized that my pain would subside once the inflammation in and around my brain was diminished.

His first issue to address was my menstrual cycle. He said I had "probable menstrual migraines." It was decided that I would discontiue oral, continuous, birth control pills as they did not seem to be helping. According to him, two thirds of people don't receive benefit, while one third do. He let me do the math, and we all agreed that I was in the majority and not the lucky minority.

This was scarey stuff to hear. Because off of the birth control pills, I would revert to the pattern of 4-7 days of my worst migraine pain that was slow, or non-responsive to my usual treatment methods, resulting in a strain on my mental health. Yikes, I was a tad bit freaked out, but at the same time, completely in agreement with the decision.

He suggested that I learn how to self inject DHE, a medication I had received a few times in Urgent Care treatment through I.V. He said to use this for my menstrual type migraines and could be used 2-3 times during that week. (I think that's what he said anyway, that's what's on the bottle...).

Next he addressed the frequency with which I treat migraine and how this causes a rebound pattern. We all agreed that it definitely seemed like that was happening to me, as for the last four weeks I had been dealing with almost daily headaches. And, trying to carry on my normal activities like taking the kids to their soccer practices and games, helping out in the classroom, attending a chronic pain support group and other activities, I was constantly trying (it seemed) to get my pain under control so I could function. I had been trying to vary the medications I used and not use too much of one thing for fear of rebound or the medication becoming ineffective. Unfortunately, it wasn't working out as I had planned.

His suggestion, therefore, was to only treat 2 headaches a week.

Yikes, even on a good week I clearly had 3. This was going to be hard but I understood why he was saying it.

It was decided that my daily migraine med, lamictal, would be increased another 50 mg. and that I would start MigreLief, a product that contains riboflavin, vitamin B2 and feverfew (2x daily), stop drinking caffeinated beverages, discontinue use of excedrine migraine and tylenol and replace it with 2 Aleve with either migraine reversal medication I was using (frovatriptan or DHE).

I may have felt like I was being asked to step off a cliff, but it wasn't without a partially stocked, and well thought out, backpack of survival supplies....

I continued to manage the headache I had gotten in the morning with Tiger Balm and completed a very busy day, too busy I might add. But I was able to attend my last Pain class as well as my son's last soccer game, my other son's end of season pizza party and a harvest party at our church.

A Tangled Web...

It's long overdue but here's the update on the climara and the levlen.

climara wasn't so hot. in fact i got a rash from it, which to put it delicately, was extremely unpleasant. i think this is the first medication i am officially allergic to.

when that was over i started the leven. everything went pretty well until around july 15, 2006 when i started spotting everyday. this continued until sept. 24-ish, 2006. definitely not in my top 5 of pleasurable experiences but all in all, could have been worse.

around the first of august i was on 2 weeks of estrogen to try to balance my cycle out and stop the spotting. the only purpose it served was to help me get totally psycho (this is quite an understatement...so let's leave it @ that!) on the day i stopped taking it.

fortunately i have a patient and forgiving husband who understood that the hormones were whacking out the underlying mood issue i deal with.

i am a lucky wife.

so the spotting stopped late september and that immediately ushered me into the october from hell. more often than not, the entire month, i had a headache/migraine. i tried to function as best i could and not take too many medications or take the same one consequtively for fear of rebound/lack of efficacy. unfortunately i am pretty well convinced i entered a rebound cycle.

so did the levlen help? evidentally, it appears not....so now i entered the tangled web of menstrual cycles and will hold on for dear life as we enter the twilight zone of pain that accompanies the dreaded period....