rough water and good times

Better start off with Saturday December 9th. Woke up with a headache so took the compazine and then gave myself a DHE shot 20 min. later. Of course, like usual, my leg hurt very bad for a while and I had to limp for an hour and a half, but because my pain was at a 4 when I took it, it didn't take very long at all to feel better.

I was able to conduct the rest of my day, to visit with my friend who was travelling from Montana and to go to Home Group which is a dinner gathering/fellowship time with people from our church. My head did start hurting late in the evening though. I tried so hard to watch what I ate (they ate chinese food and I ate a hot chicken sandwich). But we did watch a movie on a big screen, and like the last time I did that, the sound and noise bothered me. I am going to have to be mindful of that next time I'm in that situation.

So today, the 10th, I woke up with a headache. This is where it gets tricky because I totally had exhausted all the meds I could take w/ what I've been perscribed. I did take 2 Aleve but that's borderline whether I should have taken it or not. I went to church and wore my earplugs because I wanted to go and I was hoping to sell more calendars (I sold 1 :-) ) But my pain got up towards a 4 so I took 2 percocet which are my perscription but not something my neurologist wants me to be taking. After a few hours my head was still hurting so I went to Urgent Care clinic and got a torredol shot. An hour or so after I returned home my head felt much better. A few hours ago it felt like it was coming back but for some reason that feeling went away and I am feeling great now. I was quite groggy from the percocet for a number of hours but that feeling has subsided as well.

I need to scroll back on the blog here and figure out how many consecutive days I have been having pain recently because it's been at least a week. This is not o.k. for me so I think I'll e-mail the neuro tomorrow and let him know what is going on, looks like 6/10 days I've had headaches. Guess it was a little exaggeration today from saying that everyday this week I had one. Actually, I thought it was 6/7 days but things were a little better than that. Still with this kind of frequency, that's what it feels like!

Man I hope tomorrow's a good day! Oh, I was really tearful today, I don't know what was going on, could be something hormonal. Time will tell.

Well, this wouldn't be a truthful account if I didn't mention some of my thoughts recently. A friend of mine who shall remain completely anonymous said that her friend smokes weed. I've really been thinking lately that I would like to try it and see if it helps control migraine frequency or reduce pain. If it is something that helps I would approach my doctor and see if I could get a perscription for it.

I am quite nervous about talking to my doctor about it, but I also have a personal policy of being honest to the point of transparency. This is quite a big stretch I've reached, I think, to take this kind of drastic action, since it is illegal without a perscription. My main concern though, honestly, is to improve my quality of life. And, I have no intention of not pushing my doctors to provide this for me, or more importantly, give medical permission for me to use it if it helps.

There's a lot of controversy that surrounds this I know, especially as a Christian. I feel like in my own heart that this should be the last on a long list of things one should try. I have honestly no idea - exactly- how long the list of medications is that I've tried. But I noticed my neuro had about three pieces of paper stapled together of medications that I've taken/currently taking.

It's insane really. Everything I'm on so far is not doing it for me. I will have to increase dosages or add something else. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally willing to do that. But I'm also willing to try accupuncture, and I'm finding myself totally ready to try weed.

Of course I don't want to get caught, but I believe if fear is a thing I struggle with, I have more fear of my pain being frequent and/or out of control than getting busted for smoking pot. And, like I said, I must irriterate that I have ever intention of insisting that my doctor write a perscription for me if it works. I have a strong ethical need to be completely honest and I may even be so honest as to notify my doctor, before I try it illegally and let him know that is my plan.

hmmm....many things to think about.

another interesting week in the life of a chronic pain patient.

let's hope this last bit of honesty doesn't bite me in the butt, but then again, I am trying to deal with this problem I don't want and didn't ask for, the best way I can. And I'm trying to keep a humble approach about it all. Let's just say that more and more, I'm beginning to understand more about what others go through in life, and any judgements I've had, are slowly slipping away.

Understanding is a good thing, unfortunately it comes at a stinkin' high cost.

This is getting really old....

This is getting really old....I woke up with another headache after spending all day yesterday with a mild one. It's hard to keep a good attitude.

My pain was at a three but my thinking was really slow and I was feeling kind of out of it. There was nothing here at home that I am allowed to take, and remembered the IV magnesium for "rescue."

This was a rescue kind of a day.

I know the magnesium didn't work last time, and my pain got worse a few hours afterward, but I also got it when my pain was really high to start with.

Because my pain was at a three I figured that if it worked, my body would respond to it better since things weren't out of control. And, if it didn't work, then we'd know and could move onto something else.

So, the hubs drove me an hour to get the treatment, and sure enough, no change in pain. On the way home (another hour...obviously...) it started to pick up. Without even asking him, the hubs drove me over to Urgent Care because they hadn't closed yet. To see what they could do for me. I was starting to get really discouraged too. The good attitude I had earlier had completely faded and I was pretty down.

The nurse that was helping me was nice enough, but she was asking me all kinds of questions that I was annoyed with. Like, don't you have a doctor helping you with this? Haven't they given you this or that medication? Have they given you this....Do you have a neurologist?

Yes, yes and yes I answered and geesh, I just wanted a stinkin' drug to get rid of the pain. I could overhear her talking to the doctor and it was like: what are we going to do w/ that lady w/ a migraine. I mean, I have been in and out of migraine treatments a lot over the past week.

So she comes into give me the shot of torredol and I had been crying. Like, the booger/snot/gooey/yuck kind of crying. Just so despondant and so tired. So, so tired. And, she's like, you shouldn't cry because that'll make it worse.

Like freakin' duh!!! I've only had these since i was EIGHT YEARS OLD...I think I know that crying makes it worse but I CAN'T TAKE IT.

I totally wanted to smack her.

I could tell I was being kind of short with her and apologized, I just told her that it wasn't her and I was having such a difficult time handling it all.

As soon as I got the shot I left the joint and my hubby could tell that I was over the top upset. He sort of got in my face (in a good way) and we went home. The pain decreased a little. Like down to a three from a five. Not good enough. I waited a few hours and decided to take a frovatriptan. I wanted to wait a few more days as I'm only supposed to treat 2 a week, but when the mental health starts to fade, what are you going to do? Also, I just had to get by until my doctor gets back on Monday and I can tell him what a tough time I've been having. Also, when I had gotten home from the doctor, I took an Ativan to calm down and relax which I knew would help me get rid of the headache and help me wait until the pain went away. I think I also took 2 aleve before I took the frovatriptan, and that didn't seem to help either.

However, I am happy to say that within an hour the frova worked and it was such a relief. I went in my hallway and took this self-portrait of myself. Because this is what the real me looks like when I'm tired, discouraged and hurting.

What will tomorrow bring? I'm trying not to think about it.....

the calm before the storm...

Today started off as a great day. I went to a counseling appt. that was quite helpful, and then made dinner for my neighbors: baked chicken, spanish rice, homemade creamed corn and coffee cake. I felt great and was able to make time for a walk around the lake before going to the nurse treatment station to learn how to give myself a DHE injection.

While I was walking around the lake I was thinking about the fear I have about the frequency of my headaches and the pain level. I was thinking about the scripture in the Bible that says that the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. I thought it funny that some Christians, including myself sometimes, criticize ourselves and others for not having lots of faith, for not having the faith of a mountain.

But then some quiet voice inside me said that's the exact opposite of what we are supposed to have. The Bible says it takes the faith of a mustard seed, a tiny little seed. I thought to myself how I feel like my faith has been stripped to an absolute bare minimum, to where there's just a tiny bit left. Sort of like being stripped back to the basics. Yet I know that I have just a tiny bit of faith, a mustard seed. A feeling of satisfaction came over me as I realized that that's all I needed. I felt joy and hope and breathed in the fresh air and soaked up the beautiful colors as golden leaves were blowing out of the sky all around me like rain.

When I was about 3/4 of the way done I felt the first tiny bits of pressure in my right temple. I rubbed some tiger balm on it and continued on. I was a bit sad that another was returning so soon and interrupting my terrific afternoon. As I reached the last intersection before the end of my walk I thought of my Grandmother who passed away a year ago. I thought about how much she cared/cares for me and how sad she would be to see how much I am struggling and I could feel her love for me and compassion for my circumstance.

By the time I reached the doctor's office my pain was increasing steadily to about a 3-4. I was definitely uncomfortable and not able to ignore it. I learned how to give myself the shot and should have taken one right then, but I was hoping to get home and at least get my daughter off to her soccer game and had no idea how quickly the pain was going to progress.

I got home w/in an hour of my appointment and my pain had skyrocketed to an 8. I could only talk in a whisper and it was a burning pain, the kind associated with my menstrual cycle, so I knew that this was the time I needed a DHE shot.

I struggled to concentrate as I prepared the shot as my thinking was so slow. I thought I had done everything right and injected the shot after psyching myself up. Within a 1/2 hour my pain was not improving and I began getting extremely nauseous and vomiting. With this happening, my pain reached a 10 and I laid on the bathroom floor near the toilet wriggling on the floor trying to get some relief.

My husband left our daughter's soccer game and found me on the bathroom floor. He hurried to get our boys ready who were starting to get rambunctious (which makes me want to scream obscenities when I am just wanting to curl up and die!) and we took them to my parent's house. Then he took me to Urgent Care where they gave me an I.V. so I could get benadryl, reglan and another DHE shot. After this series my pain did not improve and I was feeling anxious and like I was going to crawl out of my skin. It was horrible. They gave me a shot of Torredol, put me in a wheelchair and sent me home. This is the quick version. The long version would include an incredibly compassionate nurse who has now I.V.'d me at least three times and is recognizing me as soon as she sees me. I like her but not enough to see her again under circumstances like that!

By the time I get home and settle in for an hour my pain diminishes to a 2 and I top myself off w/ 2 aleve to hopefully get the inflammation down in my brain. I would sleep very soundly....