Measure of Faith

I took this picture because last night the weather man predicted that the Cowlitz River (near where I live) would be 15 feet above flood stage. That's quite a bit. This morning on my walk....there it is! The weather man's not always this accurate. I am sure he is thankful when he is, especially in important circumstances like this, where people's homes and livelihoods could be effected.

Sort of like my day yesterday.

I had been waiting for my doctor to respond to my e-mail about the lamictal possibly increasing my headache frequency. He got back to me in such a timely manner, it really helps me to trust him in his care for me. He said that lamictal does have the potential side effect for headache, amongst a few other things, but I wasn't experiencing those. He agreed that I should go off immediately and check with my psychiatrist on how to do that in a safe manner. I was so "high" after I received that e-mail and soooo relieved. Oh, and he also prescribed a new "resuce" medication called Depacon. It is administered by IV and I'll have to drive 45-75 min. to get it. But, I can't start using it until I'm completely off the lamictal.

I told my husband that I never thought I would be excited to go back to my previous headache pattern, which was quite frequent. But it would be so much better than what I've been experiencing lately. It's crazy, but it's true.

So Sunday and Monday were pretty much headache free and this morning I started feeling slightly irritable and sensitive to noise, but not as bad as usual, and then within an hour, slight pressure in my right temple. It's usually always in my right. So, instead of waiting around, I took a frovatriptan right away. Within an hour I was feeling 100% w/ no pressure in my head and I've continued to feel fine all day.

It's so nice to have a few days' break. Even though technically I had a migraine today, it didn't effect me at all and so I don't even count it really, although technically I have to.

I got out for my morning walk, which was so interesting today because the rivers, dikes and sloughs are flooding. Even people's yards who live in wetland areas (which is quite a bit of this area). Had to get some photos of that. Then I came home and typed a letter for the teacher's at Meyer D's school. I have asked the principal if I can put some of the calendars I'm selling on the staff room table. I just have not been able to market any accept for here on the internet. (thanks people!) So everyday that I feel good now, I have to do something towards selling a few more. I was hoping to have sold 50+ by now and I am quite short of that mark. Don't get me wrong. Anything I'm able to take and give away will be a blessing, but I have a goal and I'd sure be encouraged if I could reach it.

Also, my husband is going to be giving some financial advice to a friend this evening. The good thing about that is that I HAD to do some housework which I desperately needed to do. I was feeling so tired late in the morning. But once I started doing a little at a time it eventually faded. Thank God!

It seems like such a long time since I sensed something really important about my health, like a clue in the puzzle which is my life. An idea that was whispered to me in my Spirit for me to take action upon. It builds upon the measure of my faith and encourages me so much, even if it falls quite short of solving the problem entirely.

It gives me hope.

can i have a little help please?

Right now as I sit here eating my scrambled egg dinner (I couldn't bring myself to eat Chinese Food @ our Thailand meeting for fear of pain) I think I may have had my question answered that I threw across the sky this morning. Perhaps it didn't fall on deaf ears.... "can I have a little help please?" *I was actually hopeful when I said that.

It was a beautiful morning for walking. It had just gotten light out and the fog was just hanging low across the fields near where I walk and onto the tops of the trees. lovely! Even the ducks greeted me this morning and walked along with me for a while. They were my buddies!

And as I walked I was thinking about my worsening headaches of course, because it seems that lately it's about all I think about. It occured to me that my Lamictal was increased from 100mg. to 15omg. in early October (turns out Oct. 4th actually). That's about the time my "month from hell" started.

Then, I realized that the next dosage increase came Sept. 25th, and immediately, the next day in fact, I ended up getting IV medications and the next night landed in the E.R. The rest you are familiary with from the previous posts in the last week. This dosage increase was from 150mg. to 200mg.

Could there be a link between my worsening headaches and the Lamictal? It would be terrible if there was. It has helped me such a great deal with my moods (not counting the anxiety during menstruation and high pain levels). But overall, my husband admits I seem more loving, as in caring and nicer to be around.

But HARK! The headaches most definitely have gotten worse after each increase....

I braved church today. I took earplugs and did alright because I was feeling great before I left. We sold a few calendars this morning, about 5, and that is better than nothing.

After church my friend came and talked to me. She recently went on Lamictal and said her dose was 200mg. The interesting thing though, is she's had daily headaches since starting the medication. The other day she even had a migraine and she says she's never had one before.

I FREAKED! I had just made this correlation a few hours ago, and here she was confirming it w/out me even bringing it up!

When I got home I called the pharmacy and asked them about side effects. He said that yes, headache could be a side effect. So, although I don't know for sure, I e-mailed my PA and told him about my concern and what I've been noticing. Fortunately, all my trips to the doctor for IV meds are in my chart so it will be easy for him to substantiate that. Also, if he has more questions or needs more information, I can direct him to this blog.

It sounds crazy, but I'm so excited even though I was quite fearful at first. There are other mood stabilizer/migraine meds I can go on and this means that the increased frequency isn't a permanent thing, just due to a reaction with the medication.

The other day I asked myself the question: What kind of twisted life lesson am I supposed to learn from all this?

I think I've learned a few things in the last month.

1) that I am capable of going to the doctor or hospital when miserable, asking for help, and getting it

2) that I can e-mail my doctor and he will e-mail back and even order pain control for me

3) that I have lots of friends who love me and care about me and want to help me, especially with the children

4) that my husband wants to help me, hurts when I hurt and would do anything to help me get better

5) that IV magnesium DOES NOT work for me and even makes me feel worse

6) that sometimes I need extra aleve with DHE injections of IV's, and that if you inject yourself too close to a nerve your muscles will spaz out

7) that the throbbing pain pulsing through my neck was from borderline high blood pressure

8) that when I'm menstruating, along with super high pain, I tend to get very anxious and agitated. by asking for help, I can get medication that will keep me safe during this time

9) that there usually is a cause, explanation or a reason for what's happening to me, even if the answers are a long time in coming

10) that once pushed to the limit, I will do anything and give up anything (in this case a variety of foods) in order to be proactive in feeling better.

So, all in all, the help hasn't come yet. I'm hoping to hear a response back tomorrow, and if I haven't by late afternoon I will call my PA's advice line or leave a message for him on his voicemail. However, he seems to be exceptionally speedy and helpful with his responses, he may just have a backlog of messages from being out of the office for a week.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will take it as it comes and deal with it the best I can.

success in a syringe

The other day I described the body scan I do, or head scan, as soon as i become concious in the morning. This morning I was "50 % gone." Because I know that during this "hell week" or week of menstrual migraines that I will virtually have a really bad one every day, I decided to try to knock it out A.S.A.P.

Thursday evening when I gave myself the shot it went from bad to worse, so I was a little nervous. I had a fitting for a mouth guard @ 12:40 that I didn't want to cancel, but I had to take the chance and shoot up the DHE. I was confident that if the pain got bad that I could take the anti-anxiety medicine to help cope with the pain, and have someone take me to the doctor for an I.V. if I needed it. My hubs was sick with the flu today but I have a lot of friends who've offered to drive me when I'm unable.

First I took the compazine (anti-nausea med) because DHE can tend to make you nauseous. I waited 20 min. and prepared my syringe. When I was doing it I began to wonder if I even got the medicine in on Thursday afternoon.

Finally I psyched myself up and stuck the hurking 3 in. long needle into my thigh and slowly pushed the medicine in. I'm quite a good shot taker since as a child I spent seven years getting weekly allergy injections. It's just a little different shooting up yourself!

I know to keep your muscles relaxed or you can have a lot of muscle pain @ the site, and I am really good @ doing that even though I'm nervous. I probably gave myself about a 100 imitrex injections before. But as the medicine went in it really hurt and I had to just keep pushing it in. Fortunately it's only 1 ml. of medicine.

Almost immediately my thigh hurt so bad. I probably limped around for an hour. This helped me determine that I absolutely did not give myself a proper injection Thursday. It didn't hurt at all.

It's really no surprise I had difficulty Thursday as my pain was so high. Even when my pain is half that my thinking starts to really get impaired and slowed down. It takes me a long time to concentrate and think about something. This was what it was like when I was getting the syringe ready that day, but not today.

Also, about an hour after the shot my back by my shoulder blades was having a lot of pressure. Almost like someone was sitting on me. Then it would radiate to the front. I read the information that came with the medicine and it said if you have these symptoms to notify the doctor, advice nurse or pharmacist. I e-mailed my doctor but never heard anything back.

My side effects from the shot, except for that, were minimal. I mean, I'm not trying to downplay those symptoms, because they were distressing. If this is what it will always be like when I take the DHE it won't be like I can feel better and resume regular activity in an hour. It took about an hour for my head to feel good and then about 3 hours for the rest of my body to feel good. I took 2 Aleve which helped my back and chest immensely.

I was able to make my dental appointment and go for a short walk. Again, I didn't want to overdo it as I'm really gearing up for tomorrow. Especially with my husband sick now it is very important to me that I feel good to run the kids around tomorrow night. They will accept going along with someone else, but I know that my daughter especially will be disappointed if I am not able to go, and especially if my husband isn't able to go either.

Only time will tell though...

Saturday, busy day...

Saturday was such a busy day, I was really nervous about if I was going to get through the whole thing because it was the last day of soccer games for max-ay and meyers d. Since my husband coaches our son, and their games were at the same time, I had to take meyers d to her game.

When I woke up in the morning I felt no pain. It's a really sad thing when as soon as you become concious, that you do a body scan (or more accurately, a head scan) to determine if your a 1/4 of the way gone, 1/2 way gone, 100% gone....or perfect. My anxiety was still so high, it felt like I couldn't take very deep breaths. I told my husband that if fear had hands, it was choking me.

One of the things the man talked to me about on the 24 hr. psych. line the night before, was that first thing in the morning I needed to go to Urgent Care and talk to a doctor about how high my anxiety and agitation were. A few years ago I had a medication that I could take when I was pretty funked out and it would get me calmed down long enough for the intensity to pass. Basically it helped me not do anything stupid to myself. I have an underlying bipolar "problem", so it's very important that this issue be addressed, but that whole aspect of me is a completely long story so I'm not going to even try to explain it now.

The clinic got me right in after I told them how high my blood pressure was and how difficult my night was. The doctor was so fantastic that I was shocked. He leaned in when he was listening to me explain what was going on. He totally thought we should address the high blood pressure as it greatly contributes to the migraines and the anxiety. Or, (most likely), the high pain from the migraines causes the high blood pressure and anxiety. Also, my blood pressure was still high, 137/100. He felt we needed to address that because some of the medications used to treat blood pressure are also migraine meds. Interesting, eh?

He noticed in my chart that I had been on a beta blocker before. Propanolol. Long story why I went off that, but it really helped control the migraines. Now that I am on another migraine controlling med., an anti-convulsant and mood stabilizer called Lamictal (anti convulsants are also mood stabilizers and migraine meds...another interesting fact), I felt very confident in trying it again. One of the strange things that happens to me preceeding a migraine, is that I sometimes feel my pulse throbbing really strongly in the large vein in my neck, right below my chin. It actually hurts and is quite painful and within minutes or hours a migraine can start. I have told many doctors numerous times about this problem but it never gets out and out addressed, although I am confident that they have taken note of it.

So, Mr. Quick Care Doctor prescribed Propanolol and Ativan. Ativan is the anti-anxiety med that is just taken when needed and now that my concerns have been addressed (I even got an anti-nausea medicine that is crucial to take before the DHE injection) I know that I can totally have peace and not need it at all, or only in times of great pain or the great pain aftermath.

Meyers D had a fabulous game that I was able to go to (the pulsing in my neck that started in the doctors office subsided within a half and hour of the first beta blocker pill) and then it was off to her party. I wanted to see her get her trophy and fully participate, but going to an indoor amusement place is like the last place a migraneur who just spent the night before in the ER should be. I stuck purple earplugs in my ears and crossed my fingers.

It was crazy insane in that place. There were like two other soccer pizza parties and a birthday party. Everyone could barely move. It was so loud that no one could hear what the coach was saying when he passed out the awards. As soon as he was done I told the hubs that I better leave while I was still feeling good, as the day was only 1/2 over with all the activities we had planned. But I had went, which I know blessed my daughter and for sure was a blessing to me. It makes my husband smile when I can participate because so often we don't know if I'll be able to until a few hours before an event.

After getting home about an hour, it started up again.

Why so many you're wondering? (If your not by now then check your compassion thermometer...) I'll get to that maybe in tomorrow's post.

So this time I took a frovatriptan and within an hour I was feeling better and ready to go to max-ay's ice cream party for soccer. This time I didn't wear earplugs because all my lady friends were there (other soccer mom's) and they all wanted to know how I was doing so we had to catch up.

After the party, Super Star's parents took the kids to their house and the hubs and I went to a Patsy Cline impersonator concert. I didn't really want to go but the hubs likes stuff like that and it seems like I can't participate in things so often. We need to do things as a couple, so I took the purple earplugs and enjoyed a much more toned down show.

All in all a good day, it's hard to believe I could endure such a long, busy day after being in the ER. It probably would have been better if I stayed home and rested, but I'm sure my family feels shortchanged a lot of the time, I know I feel that way, so sometimes I just have to suck it up and plow ahead.

the calm before the storm...

Today started off as a great day. I went to a counseling appt. that was quite helpful, and then made dinner for my neighbors: baked chicken, spanish rice, homemade creamed corn and coffee cake. I felt great and was able to make time for a walk around the lake before going to the nurse treatment station to learn how to give myself a DHE injection.

While I was walking around the lake I was thinking about the fear I have about the frequency of my headaches and the pain level. I was thinking about the scripture in the Bible that says that the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. I thought it funny that some Christians, including myself sometimes, criticize ourselves and others for not having lots of faith, for not having the faith of a mountain.

But then some quiet voice inside me said that's the exact opposite of what we are supposed to have. The Bible says it takes the faith of a mustard seed, a tiny little seed. I thought to myself how I feel like my faith has been stripped to an absolute bare minimum, to where there's just a tiny bit left. Sort of like being stripped back to the basics. Yet I know that I have just a tiny bit of faith, a mustard seed. A feeling of satisfaction came over me as I realized that that's all I needed. I felt joy and hope and breathed in the fresh air and soaked up the beautiful colors as golden leaves were blowing out of the sky all around me like rain.

When I was about 3/4 of the way done I felt the first tiny bits of pressure in my right temple. I rubbed some tiger balm on it and continued on. I was a bit sad that another was returning so soon and interrupting my terrific afternoon. As I reached the last intersection before the end of my walk I thought of my Grandmother who passed away a year ago. I thought about how much she cared/cares for me and how sad she would be to see how much I am struggling and I could feel her love for me and compassion for my circumstance.

By the time I reached the doctor's office my pain was increasing steadily to about a 3-4. I was definitely uncomfortable and not able to ignore it. I learned how to give myself the shot and should have taken one right then, but I was hoping to get home and at least get my daughter off to her soccer game and had no idea how quickly the pain was going to progress.

I got home w/in an hour of my appointment and my pain had skyrocketed to an 8. I could only talk in a whisper and it was a burning pain, the kind associated with my menstrual cycle, so I knew that this was the time I needed a DHE shot.

I struggled to concentrate as I prepared the shot as my thinking was so slow. I thought I had done everything right and injected the shot after psyching myself up. Within a 1/2 hour my pain was not improving and I began getting extremely nauseous and vomiting. With this happening, my pain reached a 10 and I laid on the bathroom floor near the toilet wriggling on the floor trying to get some relief.

My husband left our daughter's soccer game and found me on the bathroom floor. He hurried to get our boys ready who were starting to get rambunctious (which makes me want to scream obscenities when I am just wanting to curl up and die!) and we took them to my parent's house. Then he took me to Urgent Care where they gave me an I.V. so I could get benadryl, reglan and another DHE shot. After this series my pain did not improve and I was feeling anxious and like I was going to crawl out of my skin. It was horrible. They gave me a shot of Torredol, put me in a wheelchair and sent me home. This is the quick version. The long version would include an incredibly compassionate nurse who has now I.V.'d me at least three times and is recognizing me as soon as she sees me. I like her but not enough to see her again under circumstances like that!

By the time I get home and settle in for an hour my pain diminishes to a 2 and I top myself off w/ 2 aleve to hopefully get the inflammation down in my brain. I would sleep very soundly....